You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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