apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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