fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
