but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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