I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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