I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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