You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Bring me that man meat
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
