chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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