In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
