his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
