someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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