have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
