You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize