Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
