happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
