i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
