Can Purell be used as lube?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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