Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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