No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
