I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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