I faked an abortion last night.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
