listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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