you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
