I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
