If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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