I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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