i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize