I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
