I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
