I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
