Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
did i just pee glitter
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
