I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
