I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize