My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
