he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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