I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize