ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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