Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize