How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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