and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
