Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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