i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
