Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
