I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
