I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
