I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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