got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
