I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
