After last night, I could never be a politician.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
