Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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