so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My liver just had a heart attack.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
