they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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