look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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