oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
