When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
