She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
