I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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