There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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