remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
