My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
