it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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