fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
